I took a HPT on Sunday morning knowing full well that I was not pregnant.
My intuition never fails me. It was negative.
I am now on CD2. I go in tomorrow morning for my CD3 bloodwork and infection screening (why do they make you do this anyway?) to kick off my FET cycle.
Holy shit. This is really happening.
I don’t think it will truly feel real until the first injection is complete. And even then, it probably still won’t feel real until the injects that HURT—the progesterone in oil in my butt shots that hurt so, so badly—actually begin.
I’m going to be honest: I’m scared. I’m scared to go through it all again. I’m scared for it to fail. I’m scared for it to work. I’m scared I care too much. I’m scared I don’t care enough.
I honestly don’t feel like I’d be so anxious, so indifferent had I never known what infertility is, what it feels like, how much it can scar you. How it changes you. Infertiles play mind games with themselves; my mind is truly messing with me.
I’m overthinking this.
I want this, maybe so badly that I’m refusing to acknowledge how much I want another baby. Defense mechanism, I’m sure.
But I’m jumping into this and going to pray hard and long and constantly that it works.
And so it begins … again.
When people ask me what I do all day as a stay-at-home mom (and freelance writer), I’m going to show them this video.
I am so blessed to be here.
Best job I’ve ever had.
I’m sorry. Life got in the way and I forgot to blog.
But since so many of you, I’m sure (that’s sarcastic, btw), are wondering whether last cycle resulted in a miraculous pregnancy I should let you know: it didn’t.
Cue sad violin music.
I wasn’t even the least bit upset about another cycle failed. To be honest, I’m just mentally crossing these cycles off in my head because I know that once we finish 6 months of trying on our own we are officially moving on to our FET in January.
Which means I start my birth control pills on CD3 after cycle 6—the one I am currently in and am on CD8—goes bust. And then it becomes REAL. Like we’re REALLY doing this.
And I’m excited.
And bursting at the seams with joy.
We’re going to be a family of four if this works.
I’ve been emailing with my nurse over the last 6 weeks about our impending FET in January and finally have some concrete details that make this whole thing feel SO real. Like, oh my god, we’re going to do this again.
I’m currently in the two-week wait for this cycle (I’m 6dpo today), which, let’s be real, ain’t gonna result in a baby. This means we have ONE more cycle to try on our own and if that doesn’t work I start birth control pills for the FET in December. OMG!
This puts us at a transfer sometime in January. Again, OMG!
Now for the other deets: I got my list of medications that I’ll need, though I don’t have the doses. Here they are:
Vivelle dot patches
Progesterone in oil
Progesterone vaginal capsules
I’m listing these because, as some of you know, NONE of my meds are covered by insurance. Hell, not even my bloodwork, monitoring, ANYTHING is covered by my insurance. EVERYTHING is out of pocket once again.
That being said, if you or anyone you know have ANY of these meds laying around that they’re not using PLEASE let me know. I would be forever grateful to you!
(I like to think that when I donated my meds in the past that it was good karma :).)
So, yeah, this is happening. This is REAL. And if we REALLY wanted to, we could get this FET going NEXT WEEK. That in itself is just overwhelming.
I am so ready for a baby, to be a mommy again, to give H a sibling.
Let’s get this show on the road! Eeeee!
I just watched this video with tears streaming down my face.
And I bet you all will, too.
For those who are moms, for those who have finally become moms after struggling with infertility for so long, and especially to those moms who desperately want to be a mom, know this: your struggles and your journey to become a parent—however long it may be or has been—are 110% worth it.
Don’t ever give up.
There’s a child out there that depends on you, loves you, and wants you as his or her mommy.
It is CD12 today and I’m supposed to start my OPKs. And I will. And we’re doing the deed. Of course.
And I’m excited that maybe, maybe this cycle will work.
But there’s a part of me that knows it won’t.
So we’re getting super close to January now and getting started with everything. The meds, the paperwork, the big day. And I’m getting more excited that January could—WILL—work.
I’m at the point where I notice everyone is pregnant. And I often look at them and wonder if they had any trouble at all conceiving. And I always, ALWAYS know that they likely haven’t or won’t ever have to endure what the husband and I went through just to have one precious miracle.
I find myself trying not to be jealous that it comes so easily for some. That sadness and jealousy remains, though it had been buried for quite some time. But now that we’re here again, ready to add another nugget to our family, I can’t help but allow these feelings back in.
There isn’t much point to this blog post. It’s not well written, it has no theme, it’s not announcing anything fun or cool.
But I thought I should at least acknowledge that I’m excited to be pregnant now. I’m ready.
Please let this work.
Hi guys so I decided to do an ergo baby giveaway! You get the ergo baby carrier and a sweet cover for your new carrier all for free! (You can also buy new covers with different patterns and colours for cheap too!) so just reblog once and you’ll be in the draw.
Likes don’t count and I’ll need your address for sending if you’re selected as the winner,the carrier has only been used 3 times since I’ve bought it and it was priced at $160 at the time,please don’t enter just to resell this online for money,I’d like this to go to someone really deserving :) thanks!
I took an HPT at 10dpo and 13dpo.
Both were negative.
The single blue line, as I wrote on Twitter, was laughing at me as I stared and stared and tried looking at the results from a different angle “to be sure” there wasn’t the smallest hint of a second blue line somewhere on that stick.
Alas, I’m relieved. As I posted last week, I didn’t feel ready for baby #2 just yet. A June baby just didn’t feel right.
So even though my heart was racing and I had butterflies in my stomach while I waited for the results, I’m ok it was negative.
Seriously. I’m ok.
But today, for some reason, while H and I were at library storytime followed by an hour at the park nearby, I started to feel myself yearning—deeply—for a baby again.
The ache that I had for so many years while trying to conceive H suddenly ignited in the pit of my stomach and deep in my heart.
I was worried I’d lost it.
I watched moms with their pregnant bellies and moms holding their second babies while their little ones ran around and danced at storytime or pushed their little brother or sister on the swings.
And I ached so, so badly.
I want that.
I want a sibling for H.
I want the husband to be a dad again.
I want to feel a baby inside me again.
I want to be a mom again.
I don’t feel like I’m asking for too much.
I just wish it wasn’t this hard.
Came across this quote on Tumblr today and it really, really hit me. For awhile now I’ve said that I’ll truly be ready for another baby when January comes. January just feels right. After all, H was conceived in January and born in October so a fall baby is what I know and what I love.
I’ll be honest: I’m scared I’m not ready for a baby *right now* if there’s some crazy act of God that allows us to conceive naturally in these next few cycles before our January FET. Like, if somehow miraculously we get pregnant this cycle, we’ll have a late June baby. But June just doesn’t feel right. I’m not *ready* for a June baby. I’m not ready for a July or August or September baby.
But I’m ready for an October baby.
It’s so, so stupid, I know. You’re never really ready for a baby and certainly not ever really ready for a second baby, no less.
But we keep going through the motions every month, taking my BBT, taking OPKs, baby dancing like crazy, simply because we feel like we sort of have to. I mean, you gotta give it a shot, right? (Oh, and there’s that thing about saving us $5,000+ that the FET costs. There’s that, of course.)
I would, of course, be elated to get pregnant on any of these natural cycles. But in the back of my mind I keep counting on the fact that we weren’t able to get pregnant this way before so it won’t work now. I find comfort in that as absurd as that sounds.
Because I’m not sure I’m ready for baby #2 just yet.
Give me a few months and I know I will be.
Last week a bloggie friend of mine, Holly at Ready to Be a Mom, recently went through her FET (she has a gorgeous little girl, Eliana, from a previous FET two+ years ago). She sadly had a chemical pregnancy from the FET. Following that, she posted on Twitter something that really stuck with me:
"You know what’s dumb? I keep feeling like this is my fault because I didn’t want it enough."
In a previous post here, I’ve uttered that same sentiment: Maybe we’re not getting pregnant these natural cycles because I don’t want it enough.
But I’m going to be brutally honest: this time around, I don’t want to be pregnant as much as I did before I was pregnant with H. I don’t cry at Facebook pregnancy announcements anymore. I don’t ache so hard that my heart feels like it’ll explode when I see a mom with a baby. I don’t cry when I see yet another negative pregnancy stick.
I just don’t want this *as badly* as I did the first time. I have my miracle baby. She’s all I ever prayed for. And I have her.
I don’t need anything more.
So with each failed cycle, I feel guilty, like I’m the reason this isn’t happening.
Because I don’t want it enough.
It’s stupid, I know. There are PLENTY of women out there who did not want to pregnant AT ALL and who got pregnant by accident. (Those stories, though, by the way, still irk the shit out of me. You got pregnant by accident? Seriously. Shut up.)
But for those of us, who have struggled with infertility, there’s always this inherent sense of guilt, which is absurd. We’re guilty of judging whether someone is a “real infertile,” or that we didn’t try hard enough, or that our bodies have failed us once again.
And yet here I am wondering if I’m to blame again.
I pray that when our FET comes around in January that I’m going to want it so badly it hurts again. That I’ll pray every night again that God brings H a baby brother or sister.
And I pray that that cycle will be a positive one.